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About Varied / Hobbyist Member Call me RatioMale/Unknown Recent Activity
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PAINratio has started a donation pool!
258 / 10,000
For some reason, the rest of my page wont work correctly without a donation pool... WTF

So yea, Its just hear to make everything work. :?

And that's why its at the bottom ;P

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    Anonymous Deviant
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Deviant
    Donated Aug 6, 2013, 11:59:56 PM

My oldest friend. Time for me to admit, and face what I am. its growing worse every day.

Schizophrenia, is no joke and I truly wish I could trade places with everyone that ever told me they wish they were crazy (back in the day that sort of thing were cool)

SO, for the first time I had an "recorder" episode. I don't remember most of it, or the person who wrote it 
But its good to have this, its the first time I actually, really meet myself. And had a real wakeup call.

There is no point in me uploading this and no reason for me to, yet I feel I have to. 
If there is no one I can talk to or trust, then my browser would just have to suffice. and who knows, maby this is not even real. =P

-- The "Episode" --

...However, it is best I keep my mined from such things. The room seems to fall client at the whispers and thoughts of the darkness as do my mind, I am afraid. Rooms are sensitive you know, as if they are afraid or, perhaps just anxious.  I can feel them watching, waiting. the walls grin broadly and the roof laugh and the floor boils up the rot of the dead. Perhaps its all just in my head, there is too much in my head. The room falls silent yet the voices never stops. A thousand scream and thousand more a thousand whispers and a thousand more. All just beyond my sight, on the other side of the wall, the side that cant be seen. Only herd throe thin cracks in the veil. And sometimes very very rarely when the shadows falls straight and long, when the shadows grows crooked and cross, just over the hill and the corner of your eye there they are, all of them, and ever closer they come. The small things out of place will show their presents. The sounds you barely hear and cant explain in the silence is there voices and the hand you feel in the dark reaching out ever closer, never touching. Is there name. I have seen the green moon, I can not remember, I can not forget they showed me, they have showed me everything. A child burdened by eternity, a child burdened by a life scattered throe a thousand worlds. And in a flash it is gone as if it has never been. And I ask myself… Am I crazy. Please tell me I am mad, the worlds, the reaches and things I have seen can never be. Pleas tell me I am a victim of some foul ‘medicine’ that was given to me when I did not look, pleas tell me that these wires aren't serpents and these serpents aren't vines and these vines aren't growing, growing into my skin, causing me pain I cannot explain. I must kill them, every one, must, die. I am alone, I am afraid help, help me help me help me help me help me help me save me save me save me save me pleas. The walls are reaching out this is going to hurt the faces approaching

 ------(Only snipped out the "good" part, It lasted something like five hours I think)--------

Its over now. Its 3:55, I’m tired and have to get to bed to work in an hour and five minutes.

I have never had an episode in public before properly because I don’t go out. But it is going to happen and there will be no one but me and a crowd of people staring, judging me.

Its getting worse, and I am not even 20 yet how will I be on 25 or 30 or 40. There will be nothing left

I hate the face I see in the mirror, I hate the person I am.

There is no point in seeing a doctor, I already know what’s wrong, and theirs nothing that can be don anyway. Besides, how will I be able to convince my parents to send me to one. I mean when I told my mom about my dyslexia, she told me to go play outside. I may have been just a kid but still. How can I expect her to understand well this.

Maybe I was never dyslexic, maybe my “dyslexia” was only the first sign. And if my delusions started on the age of six and that single one lasted till I was about fourteen. What future can I really expect.


The hardest thing in the world, is finding out your world were never real.
The most painful thing in the world is seeing everything you know and love crumble in front of your eyes

On my own, without any help or guidance, and with a mountain of other crap. 
I gess I am doing ok in this game of Where's Waldo, or rather, what's real.
But hey, I'm dealing as best I can.

And if I took a wrong turn along the way. all I can do is hope I find my way back,
before its too late.


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Add a Comment:
RukaStephanieLuna Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I am really sorry for the long wait.. I hope it was worth it v.v 

::CO:: The king roams his land by RukaStephanieLuna  
PAINratio Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
no problem :) today is the first bit of free time I got to check anyway =P
1000smartys Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Hey Ratio, You premium membership is almost up.

Just in case you missed it or haven't noticed. 
PAINratio Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yea, I saw. Totally forgot about DA PAINratio =P 

Gess I'll wait for the next special 
MinyaFanGirl Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey Ratio, sorry to be a bother. Could you help me out again with a personal problem ?

Requires hacking skills I don't have :s

It will totally be it worth your while ;P 

thanks in advance 

Regards  -4-
Add a Comment: